I’ve been watching a lot of animal documentaries lately. And the one thing I can say about them is they make me very hungry. Just watching all those happy lions and wolves and other large predators bite into a tasty animal, makes me really look forward to my next meal. This increase in excitement for meals sadly makes me angry as of late, because I am seeing what I can only describe as a war on lunch.
Now by war on lunch, I mean people are not taking their food as seriously as I am. And by people I mean the restaurants near my office in Penn Quarter. I don’t always bring food to eat at work, because I’m human and I make mistakes. However no mistake I have ever made is as large as the one I see every day during the war on lunch. And that is of course the complete and utter lack of Chipotle near my office.
What hell-scape were the drugged up leadership of Washington D.C. thinking of when they made Penn Quarter/wherever the hell I work? Was it by accident, or did the city government of Washington D.C. willfully want my lunch to be the sadder than Vince Grays molest-a-stache?
I think, nay I know, that someone is out to ruin me. They want me sit in sea of lunch options that wreak of corruption and plot to rip me off. Countless overpriced options attack me during the war, making it seem like there is no escape from the endless and daily pain of restaurants like Le Pain Quotidien.
There is hope though. I see the light. Just this day I walked by a building being demolished.
In this space left by this embarrassment of a building, I propose a monument to the gods, Chipotle. Now some of you crafty enough to look at Google maps or drunk enough to look at bing maps might say, “oh well there’s a Chipotle at China Town, you should go there.” To this I would say nothing. I would say nothing because I would know that you are mentally ill and it would be a fools errand to speak to you ever again. This once great hope of a restaurant is besieged daily by the scourge of the earth. The only people you will find there are those with no respect for Chipotle and those who insist on making this once happy place a good case for the often proposed final solution/extermination of mankind.
For all these reasons is why I propose a 10 story Chipotle in the place of this derelict building, where there is never a wait, never a stomach left untouched, and never a person standing in line wondering what sad dark corner of the earth the developers of Penn Quarter were born in.
Together we can win the war on lunch.
It has come to my attention that members of congress are spending $2,500 a day at Qdoba. With the leaders of our nation forced to eat at the mockery of burrito production that is Qdoba, it’s no wonder our country is in the difficult position we find it in.