Weekends are a time for relaxation and spilling coffee on yourself when you drink it in bed. However this weekend, I had an epiphany. While watching a retro television on my Partner in Crime’s brand new television, I saw my first ever episode of Lassie. Needless to say, I could not believe what I witnessed.
As I attempted to find information about the episode I saw, quickly learned how vast and complex the Lassie empire truly is, and gave up my search for a quick link. In stead of this, I will describe in my own slanted and subjective way what happened in this episode of Lassie.
The episode begins with the adorable Jeff Miller (a real American name), complete with hitler youth haircut and a fat friend named Porky. After Porky find and old-time printing machine in his pops barn, the youthful boys decide to start their own newspaper. However after they fix the rusted POS printing press, the reality and harshness of real life begins to set in. They soon learn from Jeff’s wise grandfather “Gramps” that they need paper and ink in order to print stuff (gramps went to Harvard, that’s how he knows all this shit). Jeff and Porky have no money, but Gramps in his infinite wisdom says they should open up a line of credit with the town’s newspaper, who will then give them paper and ink. Now I want everyone to think about this, Gramps wants a young child to open up a line of credit from his soon to be competitor. Anyway, so Porky and Jeff roll out to the Newspaper and start talking business. Turns out that the paper and ink is mad expensive, and the juice is too heavy for a normal line of credit, the newspaper man wants some collateral. What does he ask for, you guessed it, Lassie. However its at this juncture that our young entrepreneurs realize they need a typewriter in order to make copies, sigh. Newspaper man will not give them a typewriter. He will put them under the bus, but wont help them get out. The newspaper man has conned little Jeff into serious debt, and now technically owns Lassie untill Jeff can make enough profits from his non-existent news paper to not only pay back the loan but also the interest. Yikes. So Jeff and Porky head over to the Judge of the town, and ask for a typewriter, and he of course just gives them one. While there, the boys meet two sketchy dudes (one who is french and does not like dogs). The two guys are gonna build a war memorial, however the boys don’t like them and decide their first article will be a smear campaign against the two war memorial builders. So with the juice on and the clock ticking, the boys cause a huge scandal in the town, and get shut down. Womp womp. Now Gramps takes away the printer, in effect signing his grandsons own death warrant, because newspaper man wants his fuckin money. Anyway this is taking a long time to describe, so basically the boys go underground and continue printing. Turns out that the war memorial guys were in fact confidence men (con men) and attempt to get away after the boys realize they did in fact rip off the Judge. A violent car chase ensues, in which Lassie jumps into the con men’s car and causes a horrific car crash (the car is totalled and the two con men are half dead but Lassies just fine).
What I find most funny about this episode, is the terrible business advice that Gramps gave his grandson. Maybe gramps had good intentions, but basically, he made his grandson totally comfortable with taking out a line of credit he could not pay back, which ended with up Lassie being taken as collateral. The debt was forgiven and no mention was made of this. Which is probably why all the kids watching this caused such a huge disaster of our current economic system when they grew up. They watched Lassie and saw Jeff Miller take out a relatively huge loan with his business competitor, put his most precious thing in the world on collateral (Lassie), and screwed it all up with no consequences. That’s free money, that’s America.
Gee wiz mom, no wonder America loves credit.